My Life in Retail Hell

Some days, the only thing that gets me through a retail workday, when all I want is to sit on my ass at a desk at a normal job, is the knowledge that sitting for more than 11 hours a day increases risk of death by 40%. Sure, that 40% is negated by the fact that applying makeup and catering to entitled women with horrible attitudes, but whatever. I try to remind myself that ultimately, the joke is on them; cosmetics can only do so much for your awful skin, age spots, and fat ass.

While I'm on the subject of your ugly outside, let's talk about your ugly inside. That fit you just threw in front of your teenage daughter because I wouldn't make an exception to recycle policy for you? No ma'am, I cannot accept five used containers instead of six and still give you a free lipstick. Unfortunately, the reason you get a free lipstick, is because you returned six containers, and today you only brought five. Yes, I understand that you're in here all the time; yes, I know that you're a frequent customer (I hear you say you're a "good" customer, but I really have to beg to differ with you here. My definition of a good customer does not include you treating me like I'm stupid), but you won't be able to take advantage of the recycling program today. You are welcome to purchase the lipstick you picked out, or might I suggest that on one of your frequent visits you go ahead and bring six empties with you? I know you will be here again soon, probably tomorrow (unfortunately, so unfortunately, for me), so maybe that's the best option? In closing, I'd like to remind you that children loooveeee to imitate their parents, and I can't wait until you get to be on the receiving end of one of your daughter's tantrums (she learned it from you!).

And while I am on the subject of free lipstick, let me make one thing clear: When you ask me what color the free lipstick in the Gift With Purchase is, my answer will (every single time) be "free." You will laugh because you think I'm joking, and you will probably laugh a little harder when you see my completely serious expression, but ha, ha, ha lady, I'm not trying to be funny. Seriously, it doesn't matter if you don't like the color; It's a fucking free gift. And not to mention all the other free goodies you're getting with the gift- free mascara, free eyeshadow, free moisturizer, free eye cream all in a free fucking bag. Oh, what's that? You don't like the color? You want me to swap it out for another color? ha ha ha ha ha. Good luck with that. I'm walking away now, before I get myself in trouble.

In all seriousness, I do have a lot of fun at work. Sometimes, when I get an attractive customer, I get to make people even more beautiful, which always makes me feel good. And I get to look in the mirror for a big part of my workday. And, like I said before, my risk of death from sitting too often is lower, so... there's that, at least.