Friday, December 7, 2012

Brief Reflection on the Last Year

Despite my best effort at mindfulness and staying present, I find myself reflecting on the past year.

Considering where I was a year ago, I think the ability to be present at all is a considerable achievement.  It took everything I had and then took what I didn't have to pretend to be OK for all of 2011 and in November I couldn't even pretend anymore. I took a medical leave and went in to an intensive outpatient program at OSU's psych hospital. Finally dealing with the horrors of the year was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Last December was a blur- not working at holiday time is an incredible freedom for someone like me who lives in Retail Hell. I went to the hospital every morning, left at noon, took a long nap and then wrote, or listened to music, or went on a walk with my friends. I learned to stop beating myself up when I wanted to take a long nap, or do nothing, or avoid everyone; I learned to accept that that's what I wanted and who fucking cares if anyone thinks I ought to be doing something else?

It's a glorious gift to finally be able to let go of abuse, death, grief, avoidance, pretending to be ok, pretending to be normal and perfect and lovely regardless of losing everything I had worked for and having to build a brand new life and how do you do that when you're 27 and depressed, lost, bulimic and miserable in general? How do you learn to just accept that what was was and move on? I have an answer now, and here it is: lots and lots of therapy.  (I also learned to accept it if I want to write the run on sentence of all run on sentences. You need to get over it now, too).

I took a 10 day, impromptu trip to see my closest friend and soul-mate in San Francisco. I did a lot of nothing on that trip- it was exactly what I needed. Ten days- Christmas Eve to New Years Day- of good company, rest, hiking through the redwood forest that Mitch lives in, bad movies, loud music, sunshine and fresh, crisp, perfect air. Throw in sunset on the beach on Christmas Eve and nothing could have been a better choice for me.

This year has been amazing. I followed my time at OSU with an intensive outpatient program at OSU's eating disorder center. I learned to eat and how to not binge, I continued working on my breathing and meditating and I felt normal being around others with all varieties of eating disorders. I finally learned to stop hiding things and ask for support.

I met a guy who I told from the beginning not to ask me out to eat, that I'm bulimic and recovering and that going out to eat gives me anxiety and is generally not enjoyable for me. I found that I can say this to people- take it or leave it, and the world doesn't end because I'm not perfect. I learned that it's ok to require support and understanding from people that I meet, and how my dating anxiety was infinitely better when I did this, and dating was actually fun!

I had my mid-year freak out and I got over it. I'm in the middle of my end-of-year travel anxiety freak out, but I'm making a few plans and I know I'll get over this, too. I'm still experiencing a small anxiety attack once a day or so about living with someone again, but I know that it doesn't have to be permanent and to stop worrying about the future and just enjoy now. Now, now, now.

So I've spent my day reflecting and I love that the decisions I have made- good or not so good- have made me who I am. Because I am kind of perfect (and not perfect in the way that I was pretending to be before. Now, for real, I really am).